RON LIEBER
ESSAY


Do presents feel like an obligation?
Maybe it’s time for a new tradition.


Of all years, this may be the one to stop the holiday gift madness - out of necessity for some of us or simply out of reason.

The instinct to give is still pure, deep down there somewhere. But at a time when so many people have so much less than they did just a few months ago, there ought to be a way to ease the pressure on them and relieve the crushing social obligation that others feel to give presents to an ever-lengthening list of people.

And in calling for an effort to make gift giving more meaningful than mandatory, I’m not suggesting that everybody has to - or should - spend less. This is simply a reminder that there may be another way.

Why not, I wondered, spend less time trolling the stores while helping out a good cause- Everyone in the family puts their gift budget into a pot. A designated banker sets half aside and divides it by the number of gift recipients.

Everybody takes their share and buys one special thing. Everybody wears or brings their gifts to the holiday gathering for appreciation. Then, over dessert, the family votes on how to distribute the rest of the money to a worthy cause (or several).

When I tried my idea out on a makeshift focus group, people raised some objections to this approach. Several had doubts that some people would stick to the rules. They love their families and feel as if they’ve earned the right to spend money on them without restraint.

Other people I heard from felt strongly enough about their philanthropy that they want to make up their own minds about where to give, without any compromises. Then there are those who work for nonprofit groups for a living, who, in effect, give at the office every single day. Some of them might like to be spoiled for a change.

Several others resented the relentless practicality of my approach, that it seemed almost transactional to them. It could suck the joy out of the process for people who love to select the perfect gift for everyone.

The trick here is to ask carefully, so as not to make others feel greedy if they still want a big pile of gifts. Perhaps send an e-mail message around when everyone is exchanging wish lists that simply says that you’d get the most joy this year out of one special item and donations to a particular cause. It’s possible that no one else has thought of that, or is simply waiting for someone else to be brave enough to suggest a more meaningful way of giving.

And here’s one final idea: In the responses to my original proposal, I was touched by the number of people who suggested a simple way to show appreciation for the people in their lives this holiday season. Their recommended gift- A thank-you note.

This isn’t the usual sort of note, the obligatory one you write quickly after the season is over. Instead, it’s a heartfelt look back at specific memories from the last year and the ways in which this person has touched your life in a positive way.

The nice part about this gift is its versatility. You can paste it on top of a tower of gifts for a child or include it in an envelope with the one special gift your recipient has selected.

Or, it can simply stand alone if you have little money of your own or if the circumstances are right.“What did we get from our daughter last Christmas-’’ Ken Gallaher, of Bartlesville, Oklahoma, the parent of a University of Michigan sophomore, said via e-mail.“A thank-you card, and a kid who is grateful for the chances she has and is making the most of them. What more could a parent ask-’’