By JOYCE WADLER


When hard economic times force adults to move back into their parents’ homes for an extended stay, the move is rarely without tensions. There are old expectations and patterns of behavior, new partners and economic realities, and, typically, an endless series of conflicting individual needs.

Feelings of failure, depression and anxiety are common for an adult child who turns to a parent for assistance, says Donna Wilburn, a family therapist who is president of the Nevada Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

“I suggest they see it as more of a roommate relationship,” Ms. Wilburn says. “If they go into the home and feel like a child again, that’s not going to help. I also suggest that the parent abstain from parenting. ”

Ms. Wilburn, who is practicing in one of the hardest-hit areas in the United States, says the situation may also be difficult for retirement-age parents. “The parents get resentful, they get angry, they just want to be retired and it’s just very difficult,” Ms. Wilburn says.

And while it may be O.K. for an unemployed adult to admit to depression, admitting you’re sick of supporting your unemployed children is apparently still taboo. “I think what I would try to do in that situation is make sure they” - the older parents - “are taking care of themselves, and making sure they are not enabling by over-helping or supporting the child,” Ms. Wilburn says. “If the child is able to work at anything at all, they should. Do not enable their behavior by buying their cigarettes or giving them money to go out and party.”

Experts in the field, including at AARP, a lobby for older Americans, agree on the importance of discussing expectations - about expenses, chores, the division of living space - before an adult child moves in. John L. Graham and Sharon Graham Niederhaus, the authors of “Together Again: A Creative Guide to Successful Multigenerational Living,” take it a step further. For those who can afford it, the key to intergenerational living, they say, is a separate kitchen and separate entrances.

Such an arrangement certainly helped Nan Mooney, a 39-year-old freelance writer who joined her parents in their three-bedroom town house in Seattle a year and a half ago, after a job in San Francisco fell through. Ms. Mooney, who had decided to become a single parent, was five months pregnant when she moved in. She had her own bedroom, living room, bathroom and entrance on the ground level, and got a microwave and small refrigerator after her son, Leo, offered her 79-year-old father, Robert, a refresher course on baby table manners.

Other problems have been tougher to resolve. “When you’re an adult and you’ve been living out of the house for 15 years, it’s a big adjustment,” Ms. Mooney says. “I was using a midwife and my mother was apoplectic. There were a lot of arguments. It was hard for them not to treat me like I was 13 and hard for me not to react like I was 13.”