"I didn’t have a good week, Dr. Choi," Soon Nim said, her face a picture of worry.

"It felt like a horrible fear wrapped around me. I waited for today to tell you all about it. Just the other day, I heard a real loud screaming from the window. It sounded like someone was calling my name. Momentarily, I thought Tom was out there to get me again."

As Soon Nim began talking about her ex-boyfriend, Tom, and described the episode, her body shook and her frightened eyes opened wide as if she were re-experiencing that horrible fear.

"I pulled the curtain just a little to peek down the street," said Soon Nim. "I thought Tom came to my new apartment and was calling my name from the street. I wonder why I had such an illusion. As I was looking down the street, I recognized that my heart was pounding as if I was running away from something. Then, I became depressed, nervous and horrified. After standing near the window for a long time, I was sitting on the couch like a person who had just lost her mind. Practically, I wasted a day up and down. I could not concentrate or do anything."

Soon Nim’s eyes were already red, so I handed her a tissue. She put two small plastic bags on the floor. They were filled with breadcrumbs, today being her day to stop at the park to feed ducks and birds.

"I blamed myself. How in the world could I do such things?" She was crying even as she tried to speak. She was shedding tears of much pain, and mourning for unbearable losses.

"I hate myself living with this kind of fear. I wish I could erase that part of my life if I could. How terrible it is for me to live like this at my age. All day, I was terrified by the thought that he might come in and hurt me again."

About ten years ago, Soon Nim met Tom. Their tortuous relationship began with his heavy drug use. Having been lonely for much of her life, she fell right into his sweet approach. Before she even got to know him well, she was addicted to drugs and he turned into a tyrant.

"I feel so shameful to even talk about that. It is so embarrassing," she went on. As she continued, I felt that I had no words for her. I was just there for her, to listen to her story and validate her experience.

"When he hit me with an iron bar, I thought my head cracked open. I almost lost consciousness. I could hear my blood flooding down my neck. Someone apparently called the ambulance. Otherwise I would have been long dead."

When Soon Nim finally realized that she needed to escape from Tom, it was "too late" for her. She described herself as completely defeated. However, she attempted to run away, and ended up being assaulted by him.

"I even remember what doctors were saying about my head injury. When they finished stitching the wound, I left the emergency room although I was told to be admitted to the hospital. Dr. Choi, I can only tell you this. I went right back to have my fix. Can you imagine that? How crazy I was? It is just too shameful."

This is one of a series of Soon Nim’s "drug war" stories. Although this occurred sometime ago, she repeatedly re-experiences the trauma, known as a "flash back" in the language of psychology.

"I am so glad I have therapy," Soon Nim said, as she talked about her internal struggles. "I was tempted so badly to get Ohigh,’ so that I could forget the Ofear and pain’ the other day, but I know that’s not the answer for this old body. That’s like digging my own grave. I talked to myself repeatedly that I am strong and I would not start that ever again."

Every week, Soon Nim comes to see me and re-commits her sobriety. We discuss about problem-solving skills, and she goes home with a new sense of direction. Her simple wisdom is that she fully accepts her problems and utilizes psychotherapy as the best medicine. Whenever she is tempted to use drugs, she reviews internalized coping skills. She talks to herself about the potential detrimental effects of drugs.

Psychotherapy is considered a "talking cure." I noticed myself feeling the urge to comfort her by giving her positive response. But also, I remembered her telling me that there was no one there for her while growing up: an absent mother and a father who never listened. So, today I become a silent therapist, believing silence is also a talking cure. For Soon Nim, it was dreadfully frightening to have no one to hear her stories, and have no one to validate her experiences. In the quiet of a therapy room, I witness her fear of contacting her long-standing reliance on drugs.

"With whom could I talk about this? That’s why I waited for today." Soon Nim said, ready to go to feed her birds.

"The psychotherapy is my lifeline, Dr. Choi," she said, as she got up to leave. I nod, speaking silently, "Hang in there, Soon Nim. The road to recovery is very rough."


Dr. Beatrice Sool Choi is a clinical psychologist at the Richmond Area Multi Services (RAMS) in San Francisco. She can be reached at (415) 668-5955 ex. 39 or RAMS
3626 Balboa Street, San Francisco, CA 94121.