"As you know, Dr. Choi, no one can quite understand what I go through every day," Soon Nim started, letting me know that something are bothering her. This is her usual way to set the tone for her feelings of desperation and annoyance. It seems like she places invisible barricades so that no one can get close to her.

"You are right I cannot totally understand what goes on in your life everyday. But I know you can help me to understand you a little better," I said.

"Well, it is really hard to have friends who do not have some similar backgrounds," Soon Nim tries to explain to me. "Most of the old ladies that I meet talk about their children and grandchildren. They can go on and on. I just listen to them because I have nothing in common with those subjects."

"For a long time, I thought that (listening) was good enough to maintain relationships with them. But that’s not true. They want to know about me. If I tell them the truth about me, there will be no one left around em. I know they will be really shocked." Soon Nim is quite sure about that.

Often, Soon Nim is in conflict. Some days, she believes that what she used to do for her living was nothing wrong with it by saying, "I didn’t steal from anyone or harm anyone. I did what I had to do to survive." On other days, she is just filled with regrets, shame and inferiority, saying, "I must have done something really awful in my previous life. I feel like I’m being punished."

Soon Nim is a polite, slightly gray-haired Korean American woman in her early 60’s who has lived in the United States for a long time doing many different odd jobs to survive by herself after being divorced in her 20’s by an American husband.

One of her unresolved issues was her infertility. Raised in a traditional Korean society where a woman’s value was measured by the ability to bear children, Soon Nim was almost thrown out onto the street by the mother of her first Korean husband. Because she was unable to conceive, she was labeled as a "stone woman."

"Well, I was lucky to meet Steve, my second husband, because I didn’t have any place to go at the time. I was literally living on the streets," she said, moving on to talk about the story of her exile from the country.

After she was born, her biological mother had abandoned her and so she has no memory of her mother. Being raised by a "tiger" father, she lived in constant fear of being beaten.

"I can kind of see why my mother ran away, it was my father’s violent temper," Soon Nim often says whenever she recalls her father. While growing up, "having a normal family" was her dream. "My humble dream never came true. You see why I don’t have any motivation to live. Not once but three times, I was left alone, totally alone in the world." This has been Soon Nim’s logical answer for several suicidal attempts to take her life.

"I am used to living alone. It’s okay for me most of the time. But every now and then, it hits me that I have absolutely nobody; no relatives either in Korea or in the States. I wonder who would care if and when I die." Soon Nim worries about her sad reality.

"Who can she turn to?" I also wondered.

Despite these unfortunate dark realities, Soon Nim works hard to have a bright outlook toward life and has genuine compassion for others. Her friends may wonder why she is so secretive and paranoid about everything. Most Korean American people are secretive to a certain extent. They don’t like to share their dark sides; they, too, have fears of their secrets being revealed, just like Soon Nim.

It is a difficult task for all of us to accept people as they are. If we say "no" to our neighbor because she is an alcoholic, poor, uneducated, mentally ill, or ill-tempered, we will soon have no neighbors left for us to have friendly relationships with. Thus, we accept others’ flaws because we are all imperfect.

An attitude is one of the most precious things that we possess. Although we may not be able to change our circumstances, such as being born in a poor family, or born with a physical defect, we can certainly change our attitude toward our life to make the best of it. Because our tendency to compare and measure ourselves with the standards of others, perhaps we suffer needlessly.

Instead, we need to challenge our basic assumptions, values, and beliefs, which govern our attitude, so that we become more tolerant of others. "Accepting others as they are" means we do not insist that they be what we want.

Taking an impartial stance, being polite, and respecting others are the ways of cultivating a kind attitude, I think. With that, we can allow Soon Nim to accept herself with humility in her emotional recovery and give her permission to step out from suffering in silence.

We discussed that her life is yet to be lived, as she agreed that "work is not done yet."


Dr. Beatrice Sool Choi is a registered psychologist at the Richmond Area Multi Services (RAMS) in San Francisco. She can be reached at (415) 668-5955 ex. 39 or RAMS
3626 Balboa Street, San Francisco, CA 94121.