Mrs. Park is a client who has been coming to our clinic for a mood problem that is associated with irrational beliefs. She tends to "act out" when feeling overwhelmed. Her inability to hold and control her feelings has been detrimental in her interpersonal relationships.
"How could I have this enormous conflict if she didn’t give it to me?" is a typical reason for her unbearable negative feelings. She believes that people, things, events and situations make her angry, happy, irritated and sad. Therefore, if there is nothing happening in her exterior environment, she is peaceful, according to her.
"I had a horrible weekend. I tell you from the beginning. My daughter never liked smoking cigarettes," she began in our last session. "My daughter hated the smell of cigarettes, and she used to scream if I smoked in the car. Even at home, I had to go outside to smoke, and I thought that was good because she would never smoke," Mrs. Park continued, looking distressed and irritated.
"I have tried to quit smoking many times. You know, it is not easy. My daughter constantly reminded me that I had to stop smoking, otherwise I would not live long enough to see her become successful," said Mrs. Park.
Mrs. Park, 39, is a single mother who lives with her teenage daughter. Although she has limited education, she intuitively knew what’s important for her daughter. Providing a "good education" for her daughter was one of the main purposes of Mrs. Park’s life.
"I have attempted to quit smoking several times for my daughter, but each time, I have failed it because of her. She has given me too much stress. So I had to start smoking again," she said.
"It sounds like your daughter is the cause of your intention to quit smoking and, at same time, she is a reason why you fail to quit smoking," I said. My intention was to help her reflect on her thoughts and beliefs.
"Last two times when I cleaned my car after my daughter had driven, I smelled cigarette smoke. First I thought I had smoked in the car. But then, the second time my suspicion grew immediately. So I went up to my daughter’s room and checked her purse. When I found a pack of cigarette in there, I became hysterical - screaming, crying, and pounding the floor." She said that she couldn’t believe her eyes. In addition, she couldn’t believe her ears when her daughter responded, "I started to smoke because of you, Mom. You gave me so much stress, so I decided to smoke to de-stress myself."
Although parents have no deliberate intention to misguide their children, they often set family rules that are double standards.
"Do what I say, not what I do" is one of them. Parents sometimes become less aware of their double-standard rules than of their children. Like Mrs. Park, when she blamed her daughter for the cause of her smoking, her daughter vicariously learned that smoking was a way to relieve stress.
Parents fail to make clear communication by saying what is inconsistent with their actions.
Mrs. Park cries today for the dreadful habit that her daughter has started.
"All I did was smoke outside after being accused by my daughter of invading her privacy. She screamed that she would leave the house if I didn’t stop smoking inside and if I open her purse again. She nailed me hard in my heart. I just don’t know what to do with this horrible pain."
Mrs. Park was feeling threatened by her daughter.
We revisited reciprocal impact of miscommunication and bi-products of the non-verbal communication through our actions. Children indeed learn from what we teach and say but sometimes they learn more from what is not taught and said. By watching their parents, children learn to accept the behaviors and attitudes of parents. Non-verbal messages carry out to guide youth what are acceptable or not.
In contrast to popular beliefs, several research studies show that teenagers are still influenced the most in their decision-making process by their parents not by their peers. If we really don’t want our children to follow the path we took and lead them to the right ways, perhaps we ought to reflect on what we could do to change and seek some help.
With this in mind, I encourage Mrs. Park to spend time on self-reflection. Mrs. Park’s future action will allow and give her daughter another chance to make a better decision for her self-destructive behaviors including the smoking.